Thursday 14th February '08
Well folks it’s that time of year again. That’s right – it’s my cat’s birthday! So I would like to dedicate this post to my one true love, who will be nine today. (That’s 52 in kitty years).
From the above statement you may well have guessed that I’m single. Terminally single. In fact, at the grand old age of 22 I have never not been single. I’m not sure why I’m telling you all this. You should know that I am normally pretty ok in my singleness, but I suppose it must be the ominous cloud of February 14th looming ominously over my head that’s making me reflect a bit.
I don’t honestly know why I am so very single. I guess I have just “not found the right man yet”. The interesting thing is, that rather than making me naïve and inexperienced when it comes to relationships, being permanently single has given me a unique perspective and considerable knowledge about the whole business.
My parents divorced when I was nine, and since then my Mum has had a succession of both long and short-term boyfriends. Mum and I share everything, and what I don’t now know about the over 40’s dating scene is frankly not worth knowing. I have read the books, the manuals and the magazines. I have seen my friends and family find partners, lose them and then get new ones. And I have been with them every step of the way, as confidante, mediator and shoulder to cry on. In fact, my shoulder has been cried on so often I am thinking of getting it laminated to prevent water damage. As the single one, I get told stuff. Too much stuff sometimes. I also get stuck in the middle more often than I’d like. Seeing things from a permanently detached and informed perspective means that I can often see things others can’t, (More often than not, where people always go wrong in relationships) and what I see is frankly, enough to put anyone off for life.
All of this adds up to give one quite high standards when it comes to potential mates. I also have an uncanny ability to predict precisely where a relationship will go before it has even started - a bad habit to get into I know, but very addictive. (And I am 99% accurate you know). This unfortunately, while being amusing, is not so much fun when it transfers to my own life. I cannot look at a man without identifying all of his faults, categorizing them and mentally calculating his potential relationship lifespan.
And here’s another thing. I don’t like people. I like to study them, but it’s in much the same way as a scientist studies a new and particularly virulent strain of bacteria. Meeting anyone on a random basis (Although I don’t include friends of friends etc in this assessment) that doesn’t automatically set off my moron-ometer is a challenge at the best of times. Finding someone who is not only nice, but attractive too is nigh on impossible. And before you judge me too harshly, just remember what my favourite comedian George Carlin once said; "Just think for a moment how stupid the average person is. And then realize that 50% of the population is even stupider."
Often people’s response to anyone who is perpetually single is that they are being unreasonable and should just lower their standards, but I have always found this a bizarre and particularly unhelpful piece of advice. Yes, certainly if the person in question is being totally unrealistic, and I agree that you should always keep an open mind, but why would anyone want to date someone they found annoying or unattractive? I’m all for compromise, but if you know that the person you are with is just barely tolerable and only a time-filler before Mr or Ms right comes along, it all just strikes me as being particularly unfair and cruel to the other party, and a pointless waste of everyone’s time.
The other day my housemate was reading out the lonely-hearts ads in the newspaper. We were laughing at how fantastically specific some of them are, but then it struck me; that is actually not a bad idea. Just think about it. Ultra-specific lonely-hearts ads sure would cut out a hell of a lot of time normally wasted actually getting to know someone. In fact, wouldn’t it be great to start up some sort of international database of people, each with detailed personal descriptions, photos and essential info displayed on their own page? They could include specific requirements as to their ideal partner and regular updates on their relationship status. They could also be grouped by their geographical region and interests etc. All you would have to do then is search for someone who matched. We could put it online. All we need is a name. Something to do with books perhaps? The People Book? Picture book? Facebook…
So anyway, in the spirit of the day, I present to you my own ultra-specific lonely-hearts ad for the ideal dream-man. (I did warn you I would be posting all of my bizarre and wandering thoughts here from now on. Don’t say you weren’t told). I would also be very interested to hear everyone else’s ads for their dream partners. Feel free to join in. Come on, it’ll be fun, like a scientific experiment almost. Mmm science…
Lonely-hearts ad for the Ideal Man
Perfect man required for a very specific girl. This ideal man should be a stranger. He should not be one of those “such a nice blokes” my friends always set me up with. He should not wear Hawaiian shirts, sensible shoes or corduroy trousers. He should not have short hair or any interest in football whatsoever. So far as looks go, a combination of Johnny Depp, Russell Brand and Viggo Mortensen as he is in Lord of the Rings would do very nicely. 
The ideal man is a perfect gentleman, but also a perfect fiend. He could resemble a pirate, a highwayman or a renegade warrior (I’m not fussy) but he must retain a sense of honour and chivalry at all times. I believe the term we are looking for here is ‘lovable rogue.’ (You know, like Han Solo in Star Wars, that sort of thing).
Above all he must by witty. And charming. And able to make me laugh. He must be an absolute individual, but not in any way ‘weird’ on purpose as some sort of statement. He will be intellectually superior to me (But no too much), and able to stand up to me when I get bossy. He will be rather infuriating actually. I will probably hate him at first.
This man must detest authority, but never actually do anything too illegal or anything that might harm others. Criminals and addicts are all very glamorous in a movie but much too inconvenient for real life. He must still project that bad-boy streak though. He will be wild, wicked and spontaneous – rock stars are always a good option.
The ideal man is like an armadillo – soft on the inside, hard on the outside. He must be sensitive and loving, but not a wet blanket. He should take charge when we go out on dates and carry stuff for me, but never try to be patronising or domineering anywhere outside the bedroom.
The ideal man should be strong, in every sense of the word. He should never whine, or expect to be entertained or hang on to my apron strings. He should be well adjusted and know his own mind. He should go to sleep directly after sex and should on no account ever want to discuss our feelings.
But he will love me. He will not be soppy, but he will make sure that I know it. He will not be needy but he will need me. He will never shout, get violent or sulk. He will be patient when I am being irrational and understanding when I am being hyper-rational. He will speak his mind and always let me know where I stand. He will never be rude or coarse or vulgar.
The ideal man should be able to wield a sword, or at least look as though he could. He would share my sense of humour, not mess up my nice tidy bedroom and should feel the same way about all of the usual important beliefs. Non-smokers and vegetarians preferred. 5ft 9”, slim to medium build and must have own house and car.
(Incidentally, if there is anyone out there who feels they match this ridiculous specification, please feel free to apply, I make really nice cakes).
